By Christopher Kaufman, Clinic Manager at Emperor’s College Acupuncture Clinic
Being located in Los Angeles means you can’t get around the LA Lakers. As a result, many members of our school’s staff, faculty and student body are die-hard Lakers fans. It’s not unusual to see one of us dressed in purple and gold on campus, especially during playoff season.
But these are trying times for Lakers fans. Remember how, at the beginning of this year’s NBA season, we were all eagerly anticipating what this team was capable of? Almost halfway through the season, we have our answer: not much. As Lakers fans everywhere struggle with an upside-down basketball landscape where right (the Lakers) is wrong and wrong (the Clippers) is right, my mind centers on one person – Mr. Kobe Bean Bryant.
If the team is to improve in the near future and make its way back to immediate prominence, it will start with Kobe. Thankfully, I have the solution! All Kobe needs is a little bit of acupuncture, and he’ll be right as rain in no time! Don’t believe me? Read on!
But first: Here in Los Angeles, everyone knows someone. So I’m appealing to you, dear reader. I’m sure you know Kobe Bryant’s dad’s cousin’s florist or something like that, so your job is to get this article to that florist. I’ll take care of the rest.
Why Kobe Bryant needs acupuncture right now
1. Back Pain
In the next year-and-a-half, Kobe Bryant is set to make 45 million dollars. While he has been making this kind of money for some time now, he isn’t as young as he used to be. Carrying that much money around eventually takes its toll on one’s back. Lucky for him (and all of us), acupuncture can do wonders for back pain! All we have to do is get Kobe on the acupuncture table, stick a few needles in him, and voila: Back pain reduced = easier to carry around his vast millions = better performance on the court = NBA titles = we can go to sleep without crying.
2. Stress Relief
Have you ever had to shoulder the burden of being the centerpiece of a team you just knew didn’t have what it takes? Kobe has. Ever had to embroil yourself in an on/off feud with the best player on your team, eventually leading to that team’s demise? Kobe has.
Ever had to play basketball with a guy named “Smush” on your team? Kobe has. Ever had to cheer for this team through all of that? I have, and things like this can lead to one’s stress level going through the roof! Luckily for Kobe (and me, as my stress level is getting higher just writing this), anyone who’s had a treatment can attest that acupuncture can leave one with a sense of inner calm.
Yes, acupuncture has been known to treat addiction, i.e. Kobe’s addiction to winning NBA Titles. On second thought, let’s forget I ever mentioned this one…
4. Immune system
Picture this: You go on the road to play a pivotal playoff game. The night before the game, you order room service from the hotel you’re staying at- maybe a nice, juicy steak. Dinner is delicious, and you eventually drift off to sleep. Three hours later, you are awoken by extreme stomach discomfort. You spend the rest of the night using the toilet as a pillow, and go into the game the next day at about 20% strength. You lose this pivotal road playoff game due to a “mystery” bout of food poisoning. We’ve all been there, right?
Well, guess what? Acupuncture is great at relieving intestinal discomfort and strengthening the immune system to prevent future mishaps (whatever they might be). So is not losing a bunch of players due to injury, playing defense, and looking like an NBA team instead of a YMCA team, but someone else is going to have to take care of that.
5. Because I said so
I have to apologize, dear reader. This has all been one big ruse. If you remember back at the beginning of the article, I asked for your help in pulling the strings necessary to get this article back to Kobe. Undoubtedly, that has happened, and Kobe Bryant himself is currently reading this paragraph.
I’m sure he’s currently saying something along the lines of, “No one tells Kobe Bryant what to do (yes, the Kobe I imagine does indeed speak in the third person)! Who wrote this article?! I must speak to him IN PERSON and give him a piece of my mind!” It’s at this point that he’ll fly his helicopter over to see me and during our confrontation, we’ll become friends over our mutual love of basketball and snakes (he will nickname me, “Black Mamba No. 5″), and I’ll be sitting next to Jack Nicholson with my gifted season tickets before you know it…
…I’ll be wearing an Emperor’s College t-shirt when shown on TV, of course.